Back to me, back to life

The last few months have been difficult, busy and hard to put a handle on. Blogging no longer felt right, and for a while, I thought it was because my time with it was done, that the need and the urge to blog were gone. It turned out, that was far from the truth.

In reality, I was just too bogged down in all the crap to bring myself to organize my thoughts, or to take the time to try and face them. I was worn out, drained and barely making it through my day-to-day life. My faith was still on the rocks, and I was at a point where I almost withdrew from our mission trip to Guatemala because I wasn't sure sharing God's love when my life was at the bottom of a rocky cliff was the best thing to do.

I am incredibly glad I went. Beyond all the incredible and amazing things that happened, the trip did more than give me a feel good boost. It revolutionized my faith and it completely changed my life and my perspective on myself.

While I spent most of the trip unsure of what was going on in my head and in my heart, there was one night where everything came crashing down around me, and out of the ashes came a broken soul that was beginning to mend. 

I have spent too much of my life trying to be the person that other people think I should be or think I already am. There was a brief time in my teens I was free of that, and man, did I soar. I was so strong in my walk, I was so filled with the drive and desire to answer God's Call, and I was on fire. And then people started to stuff me back into that box and I never made it back out.

Until I learn to be who I am, without all the restraints of expectations and beliefs others push on me, I'll never be able to fully follow God and build my faith on that foundation of rock instead of sand. The only definition of me that matters is the one that God has of me. And who He sees me as, who He sees me becoming -- that is something that nobody else can change or force into their will. 

Since coming back from Guatemala, I've felt renewed. Big things are happening in my life, and there are people coming into it that are becoming strong pillars in my life. 

I don't know where the next year is going to take me, but I know it's going to be one hell of an awesome ride. And this ride, I'll be taking free of the restraints that have held me for so long.